"Personal essay" thats actually me ranting and it got too long for my Log page so i decided to debut the writing page Ok here's the title:

Why do i create
possible emetophobia warning and mention of nsfw stuff near the end

I have two weeks of freedom from school and I want to spend my time doing something meaningful, which of course will be related to art. Because each day my life becomes more and more about Art. Now I should actually spend my break studying but well. Will I? Sometimes I think i should actually take my studies seriously but that thought does not last long as I remember that I really dont care!

I would much rather spend my time getting better at my art skills, because that's actually meaningful to me. But now I question why exactly is art so important to me? I may not be sitting down and working my bumcheecks off studying anatomy or whatever, but I try to improve or try something new with every drawing I do. I just want to be good at art. I really want to be good at art. But I don't want a career out of it, and its not like I'm gaining crazy social media (or real life) points or important life skills from it. And I can't truly say I'm putting a lot of thought into the "self expression" part of creation, I'm just making shit I like and want to see. And I think it would be cool if I was good at making stuff.

I used to be fine with the simple reason of creation for pure self-satisfaction, but I'm beginning to think it's leaning towards escapism. It seems contradictory at first, how is working on your skills and essentially yourself, escapism? But I'm not really working on myself. If I was then I would probably be out handing my CV to different establishments in town, and working on getting the good grades I know I am capable of if i actually tried, and actually consistently voice training and working out. Every time I sacrifice my sleep time slaving away at a digital drawing, or ignore my classwork trying to think of a new composition for the page in my sketchbook hidden underneath my german copybook because all my recent drawings have been quite similar.. or fuck off to the art room during lunch instead of talking to my friends.. My obsession with art becomes less about "working on myself" and more about ignoring myself. I dont have to exercise, !which would vastly improve my mental health since just thinking about the meat sack I live in and what it tells the people around me, makes me feel sick! No I just need to work on my cross-hatching. I don't need to consider my college options I just need to work on this character's design. I dont need to find a job so that I can get hormones to fix my chemical imbalance, and so that I can move out from my stupid parents house. Nonono I just need to figure out the perfect colours for the mood I'm trying to achieve in my fanart of these video game characters. Oh and that visual novel Im starting to work on!! And some videos for my youtube channel! And all the half sewn dolls laying around my room! Yesm lets do all that while I ignore the very real reality that I am not really living in because it's scary and it fucking sucks.

But hopping over to the other side of the fence, think about all the great artists of our time. I've actually been paying attention in visual studies classes. And the poets we learn about too. So many of them were shit at school and had nasty personalities and all they cared about was Art. Just because I'm not focused on the nice proud numbers getting as close to the triple digit percent on exam papers and getting into that good college course which will lead me to a fantastic well paying jobbbbb. Doesn't mean that what I'm focused on is useless. Thats all capitalistic bullshit wah wah wah and the best art is the art you make yourself! But I always make art for myself. And I dont need anyone to tell me that social media numbers are useless.

But a third side of this now triangular fence what about using art as a companion for more companions! Or for a good boost in confidence! Well the boost in confidence is a good point I may reflect on that later but companions? Well where are they? Where are the people I can bond with and connect to over our shared love(?) for art? I would love to join some art collective or something but unfortunately I dont live in a cool artsy city I have yet to find a person with the same over excessive thirst for creation who doesn;t exist solely on the internet. I could very well connect through art with people online but online connection is a fickle little fairy that does little for me.

Perhaps such a person does exist in my physical life, like maybe my neighbour is the obsessive artist of my dreams. But in all honesty I am far too counter dependent to truly understand someone else and wish for said person to understand me. I do truly wish my wavelength could be nicely mixed in with someone elses and that we could shit out nicely baked cakes together but clearly I dont actually want that because I have never in my life felt like I have actually cared about someone more than I care about myself. And I'm going to stop typing now.

Actually I remembered how I mentioned art could lead the way to improving my confidence. But after more consideration that basically means social stuff, as in others reception to my art boosting my confidence and self-worth. Or perhaps applying to competitons. Or like doing shared exhibition shit but hhow. Im going to stop typing about this too because It's just going to be me pattyling on about how theres noowheeerer to doo thaaattt And its gonna get really sad and boring and uselessly self defeating and annoying really fast. But this does seem like a good motivator for art that isnt pure Get Me Out Of My Life, so I would end it on this hopeful note but.

But I can think of another reason for art! Reactions! I've recently found others reactions can be really fun and honestly interesting in like mm a psychological way. I've been thinking for a while now, I'd love to one day make something that would utterly disgust others. That is so interesting. How can I create something fictional that would negatively affect a real person. Well not harm them, more like get under their skin. I think causing a person to throw up due to something I've made would be such an honor truly. But I need to do that without exploiting said persons severe triggers because that's cheating and boring. Now i dont want to start pondering shock value and what value i think the value in shock value has now. But I will say that sometimes you just want to make something stupid and scary and meaningless for no reason.

Like when I mess around in biology class and stick my finger into hydrogen peroxide because its fun to get that shock both from myself and from other people. There is no meaningful emotional connection occuring beween me and my peers they just think im weird. Or great and silly and jolly and would you look at that, my boat is floating farther away from actually expressing myself. Which then ties back to the reason of me making art. If it was to scare people it would still end up useless to my inner little rectangular self. But hey keep an eye out for my upcoming visual novel in 38959780 years It's gonna have worm butthole sex and its gonna be slimy and gross hahah lolll. love that shit.

Ah but what if it was provocative art. Or just like good horror lol with actual themes to chew on? Which would get people thinking or something and then umm what does that do for me? I still have a chemical imbalace and no money to fix it so this is getting nowhere. This is the end of my thinking thoughts Im sorry if you read this far I really really hope it was at the very least not boring. Not that I was writing it for others approval obviously har har stupid chud life. Its 2 am and Ive probably had too much screen time to fall asleep now do I read fanfiction or jerk off? Let me know below